BEDA Day 21: Just kidding, one more day until I start the friend posts

“Even if I’ve hit rock bottom, I’m still going to pretend I’m at the top of the world”

A quote by me

I’m sorry my worthless emotions keep getting in the way of my plans, but I can’t hold this in anymore. I can’t. This week has been a clusterfuck of emotions. I find myself in love with a girl that I’m not going to get a chance with. From what I’ve seen, she wants to stay friends. But that’s okay… I don’t blame her. Though, it hurts… A lot. I understand what’s going on but I ache every minute of every day.

I have one problem with this, though. I’m always desperate for some sort of romantic relationship. I’m thinking it’s because I’m afraid of ending up alone… I can’t end up alone… Being with someone is the only way to calm my anxiety. But my problem is that I’ve run out of options. Nobody wants to be with me. Nobody. If I were someone else, I wouldn’t want to be with me either. It would be better if I shut everyone out and stopped caring. It would be better if I let go… But I can’t. I have a death grip on this whole love thing. And piece by piece, my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I am slowly falling apart. I’m being stretched out like a rubber band, and each day, the thin, elastic material rips a little more. Each day, I’m a bit closer to snapping. To taking too many pills, or grabbing the sharpest knife I can find. And I’m scared. Scratch that, I’m absolutely terrified. I need someone to hold, someone to let me know that I’m not worthless, and not alone. But maybe I deserve to be alone. Whatever I did to deserve this, I am so sorry. I wish things could go back to the way they were before I started dying on the inside. When I was still full of joy and optimism. But now, more and more pressure is being put on me. More and more weight is being stacked up on my soul and eventually it’ll be crushed. I’ll be dead in the bathtub or on the side of the road, a heartbreaking suicide note clutched in my hand.

But you don’t have to care. I’m not going to force anyone to help me out of this. I’m sure some day I’ll find a way out of this. I’ll be able to build a wall. I’ll stop melting over the fact that I’m alone. And I always will be. Yet everyone around me seems to finally be happy. But I’ve just got to keep my facade going. I’ve got to be extremely optimistic and caring. I’ve got to be that friend that’s always there for everyone else and never has to care for her own emotions. I’ve got to work harder to please everyone else. I have to keep a smile on my face so nobody has to know that I’m breaking. I need to ignore my emotions. The only therapy I’ll need is a knife. I’ve got to stop caring that nobody needs me. That I’m just a replacement. That I’m essentially worthless.

Of course none of this matters. Reading this was a waste of your precious time. Don’t cry over me, I’m not worth your tears. See you tomorrow.

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