I’m back.

*BEFORE I START* I apologize for this awful, personal content. Usually, I have this on my side blog, but I want everyone to see this. So if you don’t want to see me pour out my heart, this is NOT the post for you and I’ll see you next time!

Yes, hello.

I’m not back in the sense of “back to writing more blog posts”, but back as in “back to the mindset I had months ago”.

I am a terrible person; all I ever do is hurt people.

I forget this, I accidentally say that, I break someone’s heart into millions of pieces and I’m still okay.

What kind of person am I?

Since when am I the one everyone cares about? People would be willing to DIE to make me happy, and quite frankly, that’s absolutely terrifying.

I don’t want people on the edge of suicide because they want to keep me happy. If you’re upset with me, or upset in general, please tell me. I don’t care about how I feel…

All of my posts are the same (on this blog, at least). “Why do people care about a lowlife like me?” seems to be my catch phrase. I wish I had something else to say, but it’s the truth. I don’t matter to me, and I am apparently blind, for I can’t see why anyone cares.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t want to exist as me. I want to exist as someone better- but then again, don’t we all? I want to exist as someone that’s happy. I want to be someone that doesn’t worry about hurting someone, because they don’t care how awful life is, as long as I’m happy.

I hate it when people worry about me. You have more important things to worry about, like you. Please. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I don’t matter as much as you do.

I love you all…

~Tentative Visionary

Paranoid

Walking to the fireworks display in the sketchiest town around where I live.

Everything is fine, walking down the path by the ocean, lit by the slowly setting sun.

Then, we approach a bridge. A highway bridge.

“Keep calm,” I keep telling myself. It works, but only until I look down. I realize that this bridge could collapse.

Soon after I think that, though, I am on the other side of the bridge.

I walk to the fireworks, and everything is okay.

We get up to leave, and then it hits me. Not only do we have to walk back over that bridge and through the path in the dark, we have to walk the streets, riddled with drunks and people setting off fireworks.

I try not to freak out, but this time I have someone there. Someone protecting me, in a way. She assures me I’ll be fine, and that’s what gets me through that nightmare.

Thank you for being my light in the darkness, and happy 4th (I know it was yesterday, you don’t have to remind me). See you guys next time!

~Tentative Visionary

We hit our first milestone!

I mean we hit 10 followers a little while back but this is our first MAJOR accomplishment!

Tentative Visionary has had 100 visitors!

It took a few months but we made it!

When I made a WordPress account, I didn’t think anyone outside my friends was going to visit, never mind LIKE my blog. But here we are, at 100 visitors.

Thank you guys so much and see you soon!

~Tentative Visionary

The Audition

“Look ’em in the eye, aim no higher,

Summon all the courage you require”

The Ten Duel Commandments from Hamilton

You show up.

Then you wait.

There’s usually a paper you need to fill out. You sing your audition song under your breath over and over, never meeting your satisfaction.

They call your name. You walk in the room looking confident but secretly going insane. You’re practically shaking.

But you can’t let them know.

You sing your audition piece to the best of your ability, you talk to the director a little, then you walk out.

And just like that it’s over.

You wonder why you panicked in the first place. You’ll remember at your next audition.

See you guys soon!

~Tentative Visionary

 

Something Bigger

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I got this hat from my grandmother today. “Wow, Harvard. That’s pretty neat,” You may say. Yes, it is pretty neat, but it made me realize something.

No, it’s not that I want to go to Harvard. It’s not that I want to attend an Ivy League college (though that would be nice). It’s that I have aspirations. I have things that I want to accomplish. I want to achieve more in life… But I can’t get the kind of success I’m looking for by half-assing everything. By barely passing my classes, not even passing some…

My point is, I want more from life than taking the easy way out of things. 

It made me realize that I need to work a lot harder to reach my goals and stop procrastinating. From now on I may not post because of workload (not that I’m great at following my schedule anyway). From now on I’m going to try to do things correctly. And I think it’ll go okay.

I have finals soon, so that may prevent me from posting. Or it’ll just give me more to post. Who knows?

See you guys soon!

~Tentative Visionary

Oops…

Sorry I forgot to post guys! This weekend has been kind of hectic. Great, but hectic.

*EDITOR’S NOTE(WEDNESDAY): I swear this was supposed to be posted Sunday… Sorry I suck*

Friday:

Lots of driving. So much driving. I learned that my dad has great intentions, but is a smartass with no patience. Also, I’m 90% sure he’s transphobic. My sisters are all grown up… It’s saddening, really. I also figured out he has a good taste in music. I met my dad’s girlfriend and some of her family. They seemed nice. The boys, ages 4 and 6, they were… Interesting… Friday was basically food and sleep for me.

Saturday:

Woke up late and went to my grandmother’s house. We spent a few hours there, then went swimming. We also got ice cream! I accidentally got a float because it had the name “Rainbow Supreme” (I don’t like carbonation). Then we went home and watched a movie.

Sunday:

Another late day. We got up, got some breakfast and went to a lake. There, we went kayaking and ALMOST jumped from a rope swing. It was a bit too clod for that, though. After I got out of the lake I had to leave, though. I bid my goodbyes to everyone and my father and I were back on the road. I was glad to find out he is NOT homophobic. I was picked up by my mom halfway from my parents’ houses (they live about 4 hours away from each other) and the drive back to my mom’s house was nice. Quiet and boring, but nice. It felt good to be home again, though I can’t wait to go back to my dad’s for another weekend.

How life is…

Sorry I didn’t post Monday…

I’m trying to find a job. As a 15 year old, that’s a bit difficult. I’m thinking about applying to an ice cream shack, but I doubt they’d hire me over anyone else. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic, or maybe it’s reality.

At least my school life is okay. I have an amazing girlfriend, and all my friends seem to be okay.

I’m visiting my dad tomorrow. I’m excited, but nervous. I’m skipping school for it. I’m also applying for my passport.

Today I was fine, but now that I’ve played a few rounds of one of my favorite game and called “dumb” and a “poophead” (seriously that’s a ridiculous insult, come up with something more original, fuckwad) my mood’s gone to shit. I’m depressed, bored at a softball game, and trying not to let my feelings out in public. Trying not to shed a tear, trying not to let any of my friends know that something is wrong, because ultimately, it’s nothing.

That’s really all. I’ve decided I’ll update you all on how the visit with my dad goes. Because I haven’t seen him in a couple of years, and I’ve talked to you guys a bit about him before. Will my opinion change? I’m not so sure.

I’ll see you guys tomorrow!