I’m Home

Everything is dark, yet I can still see.

I look into her eyes. I love her.

I’m lying down with her and playing with her hair.

I’m home.

People are rushing in and out of the room.

Costumes and makeup litter the floor.

I’m holding her in my arms.

I’m home.

We had just got off the buses.

Everyone is rushing inside the hell that is our school.

We lock eye contact.

I’m home.

I’m in my own house.

My headphones are plugged in and I’m listening to my favorite playlist.

She’s not here.

I’m not home.

I’m back.

*BEFORE I START* I apologize for this awful, personal content. Usually, I have this on my side blog, but I want everyone to see this. So if you don’t want to see me pour out my heart, this is NOT the post for you and I’ll see you next time!

Yes, hello.

I’m not back in the sense of “back to writing more blog posts”, but back as in “back to the mindset I had months ago”.

I am a terrible person; all I ever do is hurt people.

I forget this, I accidentally say that, I break someone’s heart into millions of pieces and I’m still okay.

What kind of person am I?

Since when am I the one everyone cares about? People would be willing to DIE to make me happy, and quite frankly, that’s absolutely terrifying.

I don’t want people on the edge of suicide because they want to keep me happy. If you’re upset with me, or upset in general, please tell me. I don’t care about how I feel…

All of my posts are the same (on this blog, at least). “Why do people care about a lowlife like me?” seems to be my catch phrase. I wish I had something else to say, but it’s the truth. I don’t matter to me, and I am apparently blind, for I can’t see why anyone cares.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t want to exist as me. I want to exist as someone better- but then again, don’t we all? I want to exist as someone that’s happy. I want to be someone that doesn’t worry about hurting someone, because they don’t care how awful life is, as long as I’m happy.

I hate it when people worry about me. You have more important things to worry about, like you. Please. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I don’t matter as much as you do.

I love you all…

~Tentative Visionary

Gone

I know it’s been a while since I posted, but maybe that’s for the better?

I think I’m going to refrain from posting for a while.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.. But until I get better, maybe I shouldn’t be stressing myself beyond my limit?

I am weak. Hopefully some day I will get stronger.

See you guys… Eventually.

~Tentative Visionary

Song Recommendation #6

“Hold on to me,

‘Cause I’m a little unsteady”

UNSTEADY- X AMBASSADORS (VHS)

Look at that.. Already turning back on what I said (but only this once [probably not])

I miss her touch. I miss her voice. I miss her face. I miss her eyes, looking lovingly into mine.

I miss everything about her.

I’ve convinced myself that if she was here everything would be okay. And it would be.

But she can’t be here right now. She’s hours away, and I am beyond ready to go back to school just so I can see her.

Because I need to know that everything’s okay.

See you guys next time!

~Tentative Visionary

I almost slipped.

fullsizerender

A few nights ago, I almost harmed myself.

I had to find ways to keep myself busy, so I wouldn’t grab a sharp object. So I wouldn’t do it.

There are five words I keep in my mind when I get like this: Disbelief, fear, anxiety, pain, tears. These words are how people would react if I were to self-harm.

So instead, I decorated my forearm with tally marks and drew a picture. Don’t worry, though. I’m alright.

See you guys next time!

~Tentative Visionary

 

I did a thing.

You may have noticed I’ve deleted some posts.

I am going to stop talking about my relationships on this blog. Why, you may ask? This is because I don’t want to have to delete a bunch of posts if I end up breaking it off like I did today.

That’s really all I have to say.. Curse you, writer’s block!

I’ll be back tomorrow with a legitimate post.

See you guys next time!

~Tentative Visionary